Daniel and the Corset Empire!

07:58 pm - DEATH to little changepurses!!!

So... I had this express mail package to send. Of course I took a nap this afternoon and made my own problem. It was going to be real close to the express cut off time... It's going to hinge whether we get the $2500 wedding order or not. I have money riding on this... It was going to be...close...

Real close...

So when pressure is on, the use of manners can be put to the test... I did ok.

I got to the post office at 4:50... 10 minutes till cutoff. There were 12 people in line.

I did not tell the lady that smelled of beer that the INFINITY STAMPS are a good purchase because they will KEEP you from spending INFINITY holding people up while your pickled BRAIN asks stupid questions that might mean the difference between spending $1.22 on your package or $1.34.

The demons in my brain were howling to rend her flesh from her scalp if she asked one more question... they were kicked to the floor and fed snausages... it was all i had.

I did not make a sound when the woman from the courthouse said, "I have a few more packages in the car. I'll get them while you get started on these." The demons, face stuffed with snausages, moaned weakly when she arrived with 16 more envelopes and a couple more packages.

I moaned in frustration when the woman with her grandson's birthday present wanted to know if she should send this registered mail.... you know the one that has every step of the way documented and is bloody expensive? yeah that one - or should she do this via Express mail. And insurance? How much insurance? Oh no insurance... I was personally eating snausages before she left.

I bit my hand when the little hispanic mamasita went to send in her property tax payment... The clerk said that will be $4.22. I have to confess I was stunned. i did not know what all she was sending that would come that high. She asked a questions in Spanish. Curiosity etched her face. The demon in my head HOWLED for release and a respite from the fake meat products I had at my disposal. "Go on, shout it!" he told me.

Out of snausages, I decided to ignore him.

"COME ON shout it out loud!!!"

I ignored him and began to read a phamplet on Selective Service and me...

"HEY the VIRGIN MARY has appeared in the PARKING LOT!"

Mamacita started counting out change. She had four ones counted out. She found that she had a change purse for pennies. She had a change purse for quarters... she had a change purse that contained nickles and dimes. That's not right. She asked her daughter next to her why the nickles and dimes were mixed together and where was her other change purse? Each of the little purses looked exactly the same.

"Quanto?" she asks again.

"OH COME ON!!!! The VIRGIN HERSELF! RUN!!!! RUN!!!!! she'll be gone back to the tortilla factory if you miss her!!!" Blood leaked out of my eyes as i stook there wringing my hands.

It's a bad day always when one must violate the Boy Scout Oath and threaten little old ladies in your MINd... but shit... they are owned by the Mormons anyway and they want me dead as it is so fuck it...

...but still I waited.

She achieved the magic number of four dollars and twenty-two cents... and took her recepit. And stood and read it...

...twice...

And it was my turn...

"This is past the cut off time" the nitrogen in my blood boiled as my mind had been tossed into the vacuum of space. "I was here...where were you??" i said sharply.

She smiled one of those down home midwest smiles..."Aww Joew isn't here yet to pick this up and won't be 'til six. He was past seven yesterday. No worries...."

The demon in my mind went back to the torn shreds of snausages... Hmmm....tasty...

I took my receipt and refused to read it or even look at it.

I got to the van and found that I left it running in the handicapped space... not going to stop coffee this week either.

so there...

03:38 pm - The most tasteless thing I ever said at a Funeral

So it was actually the wake - and NO you get to know for whom the bell tolled...

There was this hunky archeologist in the cocktail circle chatting with various older people relieved it wasn't them. They got to the part where they were saying, "god I feel old when I see a girl dressed in a club negligee going to school..." and the attached "You know you're old when..." comments rolling out.

I stood next to the archeologist and said, "You know you're old when you lay there and someone comes up and sticks a hook up your nose, pulling out your brain..."

The circle stood shocked and I found out that the archeologist had a thing for sharp tongued tall red-headed men...

08:14 am

So I had someone ask me what was the craziest customer question I ever had. As you know I sell corsets across America and have for 11 years now. I don't know everything and I loathe corset "experts" that get all haughty and important about underwear.

Corsetry is a myth-based industry. Even in its heyday corsets were regarded as imbued with magical powers of attraction and body modification. The myth that women in the 1880s removed ribs to improve their corset profile still reach me told and retold every week! (How someone would do such a thing before the invention of anesthesia and anti-biotics when notions of surgery were in their infancy is rfeally beyond me. I see a woman laying on her recovery bed for 2 years bleeding and agonizing and being told by male doctors her post-surgical pains are just hysterical, ya know... this must be myth. Source Valerie Steele, THE CORSET)

I had a woman at Anime Expo, a huge Anime convention held in Anaheim at the time, come up to me and ask "How long does it take your ribs to heal from being broken by the corset when you wear one?" Of course my head nearly snapped off as she went on to describe to me that, obviously, every time you wear one, you get that shape because your ribs get broken.

Standing next to me was my wife and maker of said corsets WEARING one. I poked her in the ribs in front of this customer and noted for her that my wife did NOT scream in agonized pain over the corset and "broken ribs" and attempted to use this as evidence that, no her ribs were not broken.

I was told that she's lying and women can take this pain, don't you know that? Women always lie about these things. My wife insisted her ribs were NOT broken and was told, "You don't have to keep this up for ME honey, I know. Don't worry..." (I was looking for a BUNKER at that point. Any of you that know Ynhared...being called "Honey" and "liar" in the same sentence...) I remember trying to retell this to our husband Shayne after all this. That alone took 5 minutes because he was sure we were speaking in tongues or something.

This woman would NOT be convinced, because we were sales people lying to get a sale. (Evil that way - I kept trying to let her know i only lie to get laid. Didn't help.) She went off with her notions and still wanting to know how long it took for your ribs to heal...

That still stands as the STRANGEST question.

08:32 am - The New Ink

So it's been in the works for the past 5 years. Sketches, more sketches, money raised and spent; and now the work has begun. It's a BIG dragon on my left shoulder. I told the artist that I wanted people to look at it and KNOW that it hurt.

So there's about 6 heinous places of pain in this tat. The tail runs around the bicep and under, curling around the elbow and inside the pit of the elbow. The horns of the dragon hit the trap insertion at the top of the shoulder. He has wide-spread wings that cover my left pectoral and back shoulder blade. the back wing tip lands at the interior trapezius attachment (ow). The front wing hits the sternum coming down from the collar bone (ow). And like a good dragon, it has wing points. The front one moves just into the left front portion of my armpit.

The first sitting, the linework, took 4 hours. I was NOT fit to drive after that one. HOLY crap that was intense! I still look at the work in awe. We're in the healing/itchy stage and it's hard not to think about it alot. I get the color/shading done in August. Pics coming.

07:06 pm - No.... it doesn't fit

OK - some customers are TENACIOUS and HOPEFUL. I respect this in a species and it shows resiliance for hard times.

However... when you have a 22 inch waist - natural waist uncorseted - you will not fit into a 42" corset. (Not without a friend to fit in there WITH you.) But she liked the colow. It was a silk baroque gold brocade; very ornate and shiny. "I'm sorry ma'am; that is not your size.... I can make you one."

Not fearing criticism she pressed on. "Can I try it on?"

OK - I'm a guy. Maybe I don't know enough about corsets to tell. It's not about me anyway, is it? This is America, she can try it on her head if she likes. "Of course you can."

Maybe this makes me wicked. Sometimes words pale when trying to tell someone that they do not fit into something. The Mirror will tell the tale, right? So she tries it on.

This is a corset that will fit someone with a waist around 50+ inches. It's truly large - beautiful, but larrrrrrrge!. She swims in it. Reaching behind her she pulls the laces tighter until the sides of the corset meet. A bolt of confusion crosses her face. She looks at me and asks, "Can you help?"

It was one of those feelings of loss that reached my heart. What to say? "Well, not as such. It's too large for you so it will not fit..."

"You could pull it tighter?" It was a question more than a request.

"Um... no."

"Can't you do anything?"

Again wicked answers crowded my mind for release, knowing they had NO chance of seeing freedom. Reason and Compassion kicked the Evil answers to the floor and fed them bacon. "I can make one that's your size. You see, corsets are fit like shoes... they have a very exacting fit."

Undaunted! "But they have laces...?"

I just nodded sagely. "Yes they do..." I hoped for someone else to come forward to offer us a distraction. the only moment in a convention of 18,000 people where I have a 25 yard radius of openness. "Perhaps we should try something that fits..." I suggest.

"OH... you have one in this color that fits? Oh GOOD. May I see it!" Her excitement made the Evil answers pick the bacon bits out of their numerous teeth and BEG coach to be let in the game. They were treated to the old mashed potatoes from the back of the fridge left over from Thanksgiving where they prooved they were truly evil and should not be released. The potatoes disappeared.

"Well, as I said, we don't have any others in that color. We make them and could make you one like it.

"But it will be smaller," she said dejected.

"And fit....yes."

She set the corset back down on the table and slowly walked away. I sated the Evil answers with coffee ignoring Purity and Health and their weak suggestion that this would be a good week to try to quit drinking coffee again. Clearly the opinion of morons with no sense of self preservation...

06:44 pm - The Spring...

Just returned home from a BIG trip to Seattle.

Two conventions going on at the same time there - Norwescon and Sakuracon; traveling in a big van with 8 year old and family; and I got a new Tattoo.

The combined conventions were something we were not ,looking at with something like excitement. dread more like - we were going to need to double our usual production volume for 6 weeks to make enough stock for these big conventions. So we did.

Most people do not believe me when I say we are the fastest corset making team in the States. Ynhared and I made 110 corsets in 10 days. 200+ in the whole 6 week run. Consequently we had the most successful sales weekend ever in our careers. EVER - and I wonder if we will be able to match this kind of record, but let the record show I'm willing to try.

I also am rarely spoken about any success we ever have, preferring to play such details close to the vest. but I break with this tradition because of the current mess of the economy. You just read about it before reading about me - I'm sharing to let people know the economy is not all bad and there is hope, although I am seeing more of it on the West Coast of the States as opposed to the East.

What can I say, Seattlites are a proud people and will dress...

I got a dragon tattoo on my left shoulder - he's BIG. From the top of my shouldewr his horns stretch into the trapesius insertion over the triceps and his tail curls my bicep and into the pit inside my elbow - OW... ow ... ow... He has two wings that stretch over my chest and back masking him very large and expressive. He was a 5 hour sitting done by Susanna Fischer in Seattle - long may she wave! She hit this baby with an alcohol swab after the work was done and I must say I saw the face of GOD.

Of course, I'm ready for more. Such a pain junky...

We're off to San Jose again to see Fanime over the Memorial Day Weekend. I'm hoping to get to the LA area this summer as well as other spots in the US.

I want to take this moment to make a quick book recommendation - Lisa Mantchev has written thos most delightful fantasy EYES LIKE STARS. I am having a deeply satisfying read - my reward for all the work we've been doing. Available through Amazon.com !!!

08:55 am - ACTUAL CONVERSATION with my 8-year-old boy

Actual Conversation with my 8-year-old boy.

“So Daddy, why did that guy throw a shoe at The President?” I sat trying to focus on my coffee. The night previous I had been up late hours writing. My coffee was black. This was not good because I put cream in my coffee and I couldn’t see it yet.

“Dude, the guy that did that was tired of watching his family, friends, and neighbors die because of The President.” He suddenly looked very confused. I knew this moment was coming. The Lady, Shayne and I had been avoiding talking ugly politics in front of the boy. I’m not sure why I was sheltering him. I guess I didn’t want him walking throughn school raving like a terrorist.

“Well, you know our country is at war right?”

“Yeah…”

“And d’you know why?”

“Because we’re on the axis of evil.”

Deep sigh. “Um…no. We’re at war because the president and his friends said that the leader of Iraq had terrible weapons like nukes and were going to use them against us. He decided we were going to invade and get those weapons.”

“Did we find them??”

“No. There weren’t any.”

“I though you said there were weapons?”

“No, I said the President said there were weapons. It turns out he lied about that.”

There was a puzzled face. “So why did he invade?”

“He hasn’t told anyone… people think he did so his friends can make money on the Iraqi oil.”

“So why did the guy throw a shoe at the President?”

“Because he was sad and angry that Bush was responsible for the death of his friends and family.”

“So why did the janitor block the second shoe?”

“What janitor?” Now it was my turn to have a puzzled face.

“The janitor that was standing next to the President blocked the second shoe? Did you know that?”

“Um…” now I was definitely in strange territory. “That was the Prime Minister of Iraq. He blocked the second shoe.”

“That wasn’t Bush’s janitor?”

“Well, not as such,” I said evasively. “He’s the Prime Minister of Iraq.”

“Oh,” the boy said sipping his tea. “So he’s Iraq Obama.”

“No. His name is {insert name}

“And he blocked the second shoe thrown at Barak Obama.”

“No, it was thrown at President George Bush.” I remembered this from his older brothers and knew this was going to just get worse before it gets better. But having faith it will get better, I pressed on.

“So who is Iraq Obama?” he asked again, strongly, definitely, confused.

“Barak Obama is our new President; they call him the President Elect. He was just elected to be President and will take over in January.

“So the President of Iraq…”

“Prime Minister..”

“Right, Prime Minister of Iraq blocked a shoe thrown by … some sad guy… at President Obama.”

“No, he threw it at President Bush; Obama was not even there.” I was desperate to finish my coffee now so I could maybe get my brain to work.

“Wow Daddy, war is confusing.” He said giving it one more time. “So some sad guy threw his shoes at President Bush and the second shoe was blocked by the Prime Minister of Iraq.”

“Right.”

“So why didn’t he block the first shoe?”

“I do not know.”

“So does he have to walk around everywhere without shoes now? Is his Mom gonna buy him some more?”

I sipped the last of my coffee and prepped my morning writing notes. “I think he’s never going to have to buy shoes ever again.”

“Why’s that Daddy?”

“Well, he’ll spend the rest of his life in jail for throwing things at the President.” I said. This part leaves me scared for his future. I do not want to radicalize my boy and let him know that it’s permitted to throw things at the President – any president. They are the keeper of the guns and jails.

“Can I save my allowance and buy him some new shoes?”


I love that boy...

03:21 pm - The roof is done. .. but wait...there's more

The roof is finished! I no longer have to worry when it rains. Winter can come...

,,,but wait. The furnase did not kick on this morning. I had hours of tinkering with it and behold - it has died. Kicked the bucket - flamed its last. So a mere $2000 will get the house warm again.

Soooooo I've been chopping wood. I'll get two grand from somewhere....I think...

10:15 pm - OK ok okokokokokok

I have been goosed by many. As those of you know me - I have my birthday and then have time to post entries. Nods to forestcats and mycroftca and insistent poke from wrascalbc - here's a post.

I have this thought of writing a blog. Yes it's a political blog and might appear in these pages. I have decided that the last 8 years have been such a nightmare and had been archiving information so that people do not forget what happened.

While driving home I was listening to Old Stuff by Elton John. The song "Levon" came on. "Levon sells cartoon balloons in Town. Makes a lot they say." Maybe I'm dense but I always thought those were balloons with cartoons on them. I had not ever thought of the balloons that cartoon characters need so they can speak. Presumably, if they had no cartoon balloons, they could not speak in a way heard by us out here.

I suddenly felt like a cartoon character in Levon's world - having tons of thoughts spoken yet the world could not hear them. I know many people with such unheard voices and wondered if I could, who would I give cartoon balloons to? Seriously I feel we have just gone through 8 years of having no cartoon balloons. We had more press and media than ever before - and yet not one television voice could be found able to oppose the war in a credible fashion.

People are still believing Osama Bin Laden masterminded 9/11 when the FBI in their notes and reports have no record of an investigation linking him to the event. http://www.crisispapers.org/essays8w/26things.htm

Tell me, if you could get a cartoon balloon, would you want one and who would you want to read your cartoon? What would you say?

09:15 am - .1%

It's like being naked. Karaoke I mean.

You know some people you really want to see sans clothing. For whatever reason, you want to see it....but it's usually an overture to something, closer?

I do not know many friends that it crosses my mind, "Hey, I want to hear him sing "Girl you really got me now."

Maybe something more stirring, operatic maybe? But no one can do that casually. Again like being naked, only 0.1% of us look good at it. And not everyone can sing Puccini's "Nessun Dorma."

Do you feel "naked" about Karaoke? If you like Karaoke would you try stripping?

12:37 pm - My New Bio

It came to my attention that I had NEVER filled out my LJ bio.

I have a friend that just finished a novel and asked me how one goes about filling out the required 4 paragraphs "about the Author."

I recommended that you LIE HUGELY and then say the simple truth and it will sound very hip and cool. Taking my own medicine... here's my bio on LJ

I write crazy shit, man on man erotica, and sell ladies underwear. You should read more to get an idea of who I am. I'm not patient glibly explaining who I am. Some people do this well but i am weak at it.

So I will admit these things...

I was born into humanity and escaped to the woods, raised by wolves, and eventually abandoned because I ran too slow. I was taken in my a kind Victorian woman who wanted to show her Theosophical Society how Man was a construct of learned behaviours and not emanations or rays from the consciousness of God. She attempted to irritate me with various utensils I knew were superfluous to actual eating and proceeded to tear her throat out.

My escape from her home revealed it to be a Brothel in New England and I then secreted myself in a band of Swedish circus workers that raised me as one of their own. They lived in Erie Pennsylvania and continue to secretly run the government there to this day.

I was finally tamed by a kind woman named Ynhared and still to this day amaze her with my peculiarities and perversions. She will never admit to being amazed rather say she is amused. We are married to a massage therapist and former bee keeper, Shayne, who maintains the integrity of this computer and server in the face of my attempts to open the Windows folder. NO! Bad! Oh the PAIN!

05:46 am - Lately

I guess it's something that happens in seasons. I post here alot and then I don't.

I feel a posting season coming on.

I guess I have something to say lately. I quit drinking in December. You'd think I could find something to say about that. There were a number of internal discoveries. Nine Month gone and I'm still not drinking. Why was i drinking - well not drinking was not hard. Stopping once I started was the trick.

Some of us drink to forget. Now I remember. I have been seeing help for that - no I'm not doing this alone. I had always wondered why I couldn't talk to people without a drink, or a good script. Many of you met me through sales at Xcentricities. That's honestly easy - there's 15 questions I answer and rarely deviate from script, 'cept when I want to. Other more personal interactions were way too dangerous and scary. You guys are probably amazed to hear me say this. I guess you get to be.

Start here - I'm ok. Better than ever possible. Even surprised how good I am doing. now the news - In 1988 I was drugged, beaten, and raped as a party entertainment. It happened in grad school. I had a long time struggling with repressed memories; ok it's not like I forgot I was raped, but the details around it, missing emerging like leaks and badly timed.

In December the drinking could not keep the memories contained.

OK - I'm not the first person to be raped. I'm not posting for pity.

There are many people that read my blog and try to keep up with me with it. I have had so little to say because the history of the last 9 months starts here. Without it, everything else I could post seems a little ... fake.

About 6 weeks ago I had a session with my acupuncturist where I saw everything. I remembered it all. Saw their faces and can bring it out as a narrative. I can say it aloud to my eternal relief. I am not angry. I am not scared. I do not hate. I am strong.

If this happened to you, remember it's just a day, and most importantly, not this day. If that's over trite, I apologize. It gets me around the block.

I can post about the other stuff now. I hope I didn't blow you away. I think I can be a better friend now, than I was when I was faking being alive. Let's look forward to that, eh?

Dan

09:53 pm - Darkness

Heavy muscles arms
Carried me to the Yard
And the Pillory
And the Padre!

He stood with his black and red skullcap
Blue tooth in his right ear
Amusingly awaiting news of Pardon
It might sing that news if his
Holiness
Figured out how to turn it on…

“Do you renounce sin and depravity?”
Rough hands held my shoulders
“I can’t Padre,” I said.
“Speak up bastard!” very ungodly

Rough hands grabbed chains
Carabineer clicked over them
And a rope hoisted it over the hook
On the pole

Arms stretched overhead
Hoisted before word of my impenitence
Thin breath

The fools had no idea this is what hardened my
Tool
Treating depravity with professional
And rehearsed depravity

“This man wicked in the eyes of God
Shall endure punishment until
He repents and embraces the Love of God.”

Do you renounce homosexuality?
I spoke no more.

Rough hands faced me to the pole
Hot breath filled me ear”Say what you need to and I’ll kiss you good morning.”
a snake of a bull whip in his hand
Rioting raced my mind. He said WHAT?

Count ten
FIRE shreds my moldy shirt
Again
The crack of fire
Knowing the holder of the whip
Was that muscled hand
Reveled in the evidence of my depravity
Growing hard between my legs

Rising hard cock
Crowing
Tsk * Huff
The Padre was furious
“This is Useless!!”

Nine and ten
I wept and sagged
“Do you renounce your depravity?”

No.

Rough hands turned me
and his face filled the world
“well done,” he whispered.
A flash of steel bit my neck
A chem. Stim!

The drug filled me and my pain
Transformed.
“Say it,” he whispered. He ruffled my clothing.

“Have you found the Devil’s Mark?”
Rough hands searched inside my clothes
A knuckle caressed my nipple and
My body sang!

“There is no Devil’s mark Padre!”
Grumbling and revealing disappointment
“Then lash him until confession!
His soul must be saved!”

His eyes penetrated my soul
“I will lash you to pieces, brother.”
He warned
“Confess and trust in god’s plan.”

I could follow those eyes
Rough hands turned me to face the pole
And the whip uncoiled
Fire, Blood, and Pain!

And finally
“I CONFESS!!”
liar
liar
liar

Excitedly Padre closed in
“Do you renounce your sin?”
Shadowy eyes loomed over
The Padre’s shoulder.

I renounce my sin
I renounce my homosexuality
Not a lie
Death will cleanse all sexuality
Love, Light, List, and Shadow

I renounce Padre
I beg for absolution.

The Dark eyes closed
And the cheap torture induced blessing
Blathered out of his
Rattling empty head
Meaningless.

Rough hands marched me toward the gallows
Free from sin
The road to Heaven
Paved
Unobstructed
Clearance for takeoff
Bullshit!

I offered no resistance shamed
And was led into a Baptism of light
Words were spoken
In Nomine this that and the other
The trap door
The smell of hemp
And the Black Bag

True darkness fell

Noose
Drums
I fell

Tumble of darkness
Then a strangling sudden horror
End please end
…please

Rough hands and light
Raw light
Then Shadow

Shirt violently stripped
Rags now
A flash of steel and drug
Then there was a rising of
Unexpected fire
And hope

Eyes wide open
I was greeted by a kiss
Matched with a frantic passionate
Embrace

The guard broke his kiss
It was him
My final request!
“Quickly wear this,” he said.

New shirt
Hat
Coat
Uniform?
He held my face in his hands and spoke directly.
“We march out that gate together
And to blazes to the Bishop and his queer crusade!”

We will be caught and you will be killed.

“And how many of our brothers have I helped kill before this? Surely more than you have had chance to have a sinful thought for.” He was strength for both of us.

“March behind me and look at no man but me!”

The gate loomed
Long shadow in new morning
Opening to reveal the Sun and the Western Plain

And I followed him to the end of our days
We fought for life
Another story
We fought for the right
To live another minute
Together
Another story

Being absolved and committed into my grave, I took guiltless pleasure in my
Man
Amen

10:06 am - Writer's Block: Happy St. Patrick's Day!

09:56 am - SEATTLE

The Big Seattle Trip!!!
Start: Mar 20, '08 3:00p
End: Mar 23, '08 11:00p
Seattle Washington; March 20th through 23rd. The Seattle area DON'T MISS science fiction convention and PARTY ROMP. Hear people speak of the future! Meet amazing Science fiction authors and hear them speak and watch them drink! Party all night at fabulous parties with live bands and awesome DJs; Xcentricities Participating in NORWESCON's annual Fetish Fashion Show in Friday 21 9 pm with Dan Erickson presenting. Meet Bigsqueezer there. See more at www.norwescon.org

During the midweek, I'm staying in Seattle to meet with book stores and wrestling buddies (want some? Write me and get serious!) square_shoulders@yahoo.com, IM or e-mail.

The Next Week SAKURACON
Start: Mar 28, '08 10:00a
End: Mar 30, '08 6:00p
Location: Seattle Washington
Seattle's Major Anime Convention, featuring the work of Xcentricities and Ynhared's Corsets & cosplay (see www.corset.net) and Dan Erickson signing SECRET VIOLENT DESIRES

SEE MORE AT http://www.sakuracon.org/ PLEASE DO NOT BE ALARMED BY THE TOXIC AMOUNT OF PINK ON THEIR WEBSITE. The guys there are hot!

09:11 pm - Movie Idea

CHrISTmAS mOViE SCRipT
OK - I am well aware that this is sick and wrong. Luckily I'm not a film maker yet and don't have this trailer shot and produced. Here's the script.

DEEP ANNOUNCER VOICE: This Christmas, from Part-of-the-Problem Studios, a film that will SHOCK YOU! It starts with a mysterious murder of a prominent New York Lawyer.

Cop #1: Oh jeez. This guy is DEAD.

Cop #2 (smoking a cigarette): I think your first clue was his missing head.

Cop# 1: Where is his head?

Cop #2: I think it's all around us.

Cut to Legal office.

Cop #2: (asking Lawyer's assistant): Did he have any enemies?

Assistant: Sure. Here's a list (slams the NY phone book on the desk in front of him.)

Cut to Lab

CSI #1: Oh just wait 'till you see this...

CSI #2: Is that the ballistics report?

CSI #1: Yeah, apparently this guy was killed with a slug milled from a hardened piece of anthracite capped with a mercury tip. That black residue on the cervical tissue is all that left of the round.

CSI #2: Anthracite?

CSI #1: Yeah, it's made of coal. Burns and explodes on impact. That's proves premeditation.

CSI #2: And a serious attitude problem.

ANNOUNCER: and leads into the late-night activities of one angry elf.


Cut to two elves arguing over equipment

Elfinator: Honest Larry, it's just a delivery system...

Skeptical Elf: A delivery system? For what?

Elfinator: a simple lump of coal.

Skeptical Elf: (shouting) At a speed of 450 miles per hour?

Elfinator: You're not considering this unit's efficiency. The coal department has been working with a smaller and smaller budget every year. Santa would be thrilled!

Skeptical Elf: Santa doesn't know?

Elfinator: (with an evil grin) Impossible. He sees you when you're sleeping...

Skeptical Elf: Don't hand me company propaganda! This is wrong!

Elfinator: Hey, you work the naughty list for 80 years and see what you think of company project disclosure policies!


ANNOUNCER: And it all surrounds the Christmas wish of one little boy...

Detective #1: All these murders are of people that screwed over this kid.

Detective #2: What about the parents? Anyone check them out?

Detective #1: Oh yeah, they're dead. Hit and run last year. The drunk perp got off and has been overseas for the past six months.

Detective #2: Got off? How did he do that?

Detective # 1: Well his now dead lawyer pointed out that he works for Blackwater and is immune to prosecution while acting in the course of duty. He comes home December 23rd. That's in a couple days!

Detective #2: Get him an escort. Someone's really pissed and you know he's next.


ANNOUNCER: The clock is ticking as the New York Police race against time to find the killer before it's too late.

Elfwife: You're not going out late again? Santa's going to be furious when he finds out.

Elfinator: He'll reward me for efficiency! This takes care of work from both lists. Besides, the kid asked. In writing. You know someone has to do this and Santa can't.

Elfwife: Well, you better watch out.

Elfinator: (turns and kisses his wife) You better not cry...

Cut to Detective interrogating child in Hospital

Detective #2: Billy, you got to tell me: What did you wish for?

Billy: (crying in hysterics) I was nice! I was always nice! And what did that get me? Nothing! I've never done anything wrong! I asked for what was MINE!

Detective #1: (softly) Billy please. What did you wish for?

Cut to close-up of Billy's face

Billy: I asked for vengeance!


Flash cuts of action scenes with soundtrack hammering


Cut to Elfinator looking through scope on a building top.

Detective #2 ELF! FREEZE!

Elfinator: Merry Christmas asshole!

fade to black

Sound fx: Thundering Gunshot


ANNOUNCER: The Slaying Song! Opens December Twenty-third. This film is not yet rated.

Sound fx: children singing “...what fun it is to ride and sing the sleighing song tonight.


Sound fx: thundering gunshot

Fade to show title: THE SLAYING SONG


(c) Dan Erickson December 2007

No rights reserved. Spread it around.

Current Mood: naughty

02:04 am - Exercise #1

OK - Name a movie quote that impacted your childhood - don't name the movie, just the quote! Anyone, go first!

01:58 am

OK - Name a movie quote that impacted your childhood - don't name the movie, just the quote! Anyone, go first!

11:10 pm - RANT

Rant Minor
This is a rant about men.

No, not one of those that says how awful men are. In fact, just about the opposite. I have forsworn SUBWAY as a place to eat, for starters. They have adopted that fat asshole from "The Family Guy" as their mascot/spokesperson. I have yet to find a single fictional character who so single-handedly degrades all men to moronic mediocrity.

I thought SUBWAY liked being the healthy fast food and then they adopt a gluttonous asshole as their mascot? Fuck them!

And fuck every Homer Simpson poster, collector cup, movie promo, or whatever. Same symptom - same problem.


Every dad on TV is portrayed as a moronic flake. It's time someone said men deserve better.

In the 1970s the Archie Bunker charactyer from "All in the Family" was supposed to rebuke racist bigoted fatass men and when they found out that people were watching it because people identified with Bunker, the creators were appalled. But the networks - they loved anything that got people to tune in.

The Family Guy sells burgers. I feel my ass getting fatter just watching him. I shut off my TV 10 years ago and catch it when I travel (hotels etc.) This trend is not going to get me to buy another TV ever.

Don't you think these portrayals of men as doltish fat and oafish as a race is offensive? I'm full and sick of it!

Comments please...

02:50 pm - The New Book!

http://www.amazon.com/Secret-Violent-Desires-Dan-Erickson/dp/1934625299/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1196459387&sr=8-1

Check it out - my first book now available on Amazon.com!! SECRET VIOLENT DESIRES caters to the gay male fantasy featuring stunning hot tales with a wild scope!

I was just at the Los Angeles Science Fiction convention and was thrilled by the wide variety of people liking this book. Those of you know I work hard on my craft and I predict you won't be disappointed.

Thanks for viewing! I want you to want this!

Current Mood: thankful